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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29697072">i can't seem to let myself leave you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/intersectts/pseuds/intersectts'>intersectts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Suits (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional, F/M, Feelings Realization, Idiots in Love, Talking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:00:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29697072</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/intersectts/pseuds/intersectts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“How many times are you going to tell me you love me and then walk away?” When Harvey arrived at Donna’s door that evening, he hadn’t ever considered that she wouldn’t be alone, not waiting for him. (8.16 alternative)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i can't seem to let myself leave you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N: Takes place during 8.16, as I very much enjoy angst and wanted to put a slight twist on it. Title from the hauntingly beautiful 'Repeat Until Death' by Novo Amor</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>i can't seem to let myself leave you (but i can't breathe anymore)</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"<em>What am I supposed to do when I have a big victory, or a terrible loss, and the only person I want to run and tell isn't there? What am I supposed to do?"</em></p>
<p>The journey from the firm to Donna's door passes Harvey in a blur, his only focus is closing the distance between him and Donna. Samantha's word ring loud in his mind, like church bells on a sleepy, Sunday morning, and he's not sure why suddenly now, everything has become so clear. He thinks about what he'll do when he sees her, whether he'll tell her right away or he'll just wordlessly tell her everything with a kiss, taking her face in his hands as he kisses every inch of her skin. Harvey thinks about how it will be slow and meaningful and everything the other time was not but an opening to everything that they will be. As he waits in front of her closed door, the anticipation pulses through his body as his right root taps impatiently, itching to steps forward and carry his body over the threshold and into hers.</p>
<p>As the door slowly opens, Harvey knows that in a few short moments, they'll finally have <em>everything</em>. That is until the door opens and he sees someone else on the other side.</p>
<p>"Harvey, can I help you?" Thomas asks, leaning on the door and thus blocking Harvey's view into the apartment.</p>
<p>Harvey couldn't look in even if he tried, not when his eyes was so focused on the man before him. He'd been so preoccupied and motivated in just getting to Donna's door, he hadn't thought that she wouldn't be alone, not waiting for him. Of course he knew of her relationship with Thomas, but as soon as Samantha had started talking, he didn't see anyone else in the world but he and Donna.</p>
<p>Out of everything he could have imagined when the door opened, how he'd have looked at her and silently said everything his words had failed to in the past. How she would have understood that he was there for her and ready to be hers. How he could have told her he loved her into the night. Out of everything he could have imagined, Harvey could never have imagined this.</p>
<p>And now his mouth is dry and his brain is scrambled as he tries to figure out what exactly he can say.</p>
<p>"Harvey?"</p>
<p>"I…uh…"</p>
<p>"Donna's just…" Thomas stops, not really feeling any sort of inclination to explain Donna's whereabouts to the man he's been told is just her boss. He makes some sort of gesture inside the apartment while his eyes run over Harvey's body, how he looks like he's had the wind knocked out of him and how he looks like he's run across New York City to get here and has nothing to say but gape like a fish out of water.</p>
<p>"I just needed to speak with Donna about a firm matter," The words spill out of Harvey's mouth and he knows his brain is on autopilot, "I didn't realise she had company."</p>
<p>"I'm sure she won't be long, if you want to come in." It's said politely, but the masked territorial, warning tones are loud in Harvey's ears, "If it's urgent…"</p>
<p>"I'll tell her tomorrow," Harvey gulps, shoving his hands in his pockets, "It's not important."</p>
<p>"If you're sure, you look like you came here in a hurry?"</p>
<p>"I'm sorry for disrupting your evening, Thomas."</p>
<p>And with that, Harvey turns on his heels towards the elevator. He waits until he hears her door firmly close before breaking out into a jog and when he's in the elevator, he leans against the wall like it's the only thing holding him up.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>"Harvey!"</p>
<p>He thinks he's imagining it, her calling his name, so he doesn't stop moving.</p>
<p>"Harvey <em>please</em>…"</p>
<p>It's the please that does it. The quietness of the word that makes it sound like she's begging as well as falling apart, just like he is. And he thinks that perhaps she really is there, chasing after him and his mind isn't playing tricks on him.</p>
<p>Coming to a standstill, he thinks about how if she's really there, he <em>has </em>to face her. To tell her everything he'd come to tell her. He thinks about how he's been a coward before, how he'd told her he loved her and walked away, told her he chose her but didn't step inside her open door. But this time, he'd turned up and left without seeing her, and for all the times he's run away from her in the past, he's never not faced her first.</p>
<p>When he feels her hand on his shoulder, he breathes deeply before turning around.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>She doesn't speak first, just stares at him curiously, standing there in her slippers and a long grey cardigan wrapped around her small frame. Waiting for him, eyes wide with expectation as she searches his face for any answer or clue as to why he'd turned up and left without a word.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry Donna…"</p>
<p>"For what, Harvey? What are you doing here?" She looks at him with wide, pleading eyes and he does everything he can to look away and not lose himself in them.</p>
<p>"I didn't realise you were with Thomas… I never would have…"</p>
<p>"Would have what Harvey? You're not making any sense…"</p>
<p>"I came over tonight to tell you th-"</p>
<p>"Thomas has already filled me in on what happened…" She interrupts, eyes searching his for the real reason. When she'd gotten off the phone, she hadn't expected Thomas to tell her Harvey had just been at her door, looking like he'd just discovered the meaning of life and the only person he wanted to tell was her. Something inside of her told her she had to go after him, sending her running through her complex and down to the street in search of the man.</p>
<p>"That's not what I came over to tell you," Harvey breathes deeply, praying that she can forgive him for what he's about to do. "I came over tonight to tell you that I... see you… that way..."</p>
<p>"<em>Harvey</em>," Donna chokes, tears in her eyes and throat feeling like it'll close, as her brain screams at her that he's years too late but at the same time her heart is steadily beating that he's right on time, "I'm with <em>Thomas.</em>"</p>
<p>Harvey thinks about kissing her, like she did to him so many months ago. When he was with Paula and she'd lied and said she needed to know for her own feelings. But he doesn't need to kiss her now to know he's in love with her. Just like she didn't need to kiss him then to know that she loved him. He thinks perhaps then it was her way of saying goodbye or an attempt to let him go, giving him one last chance to tell her that everything she thought about him was wrong, that he <em>could </em>give her what she wanted.</p>
<p>So he closes his eyes to compose himself, knowing what he has to do.</p>
<p>"I know," He hopes she doesn't hear the quiver in his voice because he didn't think it would hurt this much, to lose something that he didn't even have. "I just wanted you to know that I love you… and that is enough for me, being in love with you. You deserve to be happy…"</p>
<p>
  <em>Even if it's without me.</em>
</p>
<p>Harvey closes the gap between them, hands reaching out to gently cup her face as he presses a kiss to the crown of her head.</p>
<p>He lingers only for a second, eyes closed as he holds her face and she does nothing but stand there and let him. And then he's gone, his hands from her face, lips from her hair…gone like they were barely there.</p>
<p>Harvey hasn't got far before he hears her voice carried loudly through the wind.</p>
<p>"Harvey…"</p>
<p>Not turning and going back to her, letting her, <em>them </em>go, is quite possibly the hardest thing he's ever had to do.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>Donna slowly makes her way back to her apartment, closing her door softly as she rests her back against it. She's not sure how long she stands there in the hallway and pressed against the door, but Thomas finds her like that. Eyes open but staring into nothingness.</p>
<p>"I was beginning to wonder where you got to…" He says, making his way down her long hallway but stopping halfway.</p>
<p>It seems to snap her out of whatever trance she's in and she's pushed herself off of the door, and she's moving quickly into her apartment, sidestepping Thomas as she enters her kitchen.</p>
<p>"Did Harvey get what he wanted?"</p>
<p>Thomas' eyes are trained on Donna, following her as she paces the lengths of the room, hands reaching out to grab various objects as if she's trying to find something to distract herself with.</p>
<p>"Donna?"</p>
<p>"Yes?" She looks up with a puzzled expression on her face, like she'd forgotten he was even in the room with her.</p>
<p>"Is everything alright?"</p>
<p>Donna just looks blankly in response and she knows that she's going to have to say something at some point, to answer him, but she really doesn't know with what.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Thomas asks again, coming up beside her to place a hand gently on her arm and pulling back sharply when she ever so subtly flinches.</p>
<p>"Did he hurt you?"</p>
<p>Moments pass and the swell of worry within him transforms into a sickness as Thomas thinks of all possible scenarios. He's never seen Donna so shaken and unfocused, and he's just about to reach for his coat when she finally answers him.</p>
<p>"He did hurt me Thomas, but not in any way you're thinking…"</p>
<p>Thomas continues to stare at her because he's confused and she's not making anything easier</p>
<p>"He told me he was in love with me."</p>
<p>"He told you he loves you? And that <em>hurt </em>you Donna?" He can feel the anger starting to simmer and then it's replaced by something else when she meets his gaze.</p>
<p>She's looking at him like the words didn't hurt her so much as they had <em>destroyed </em>her.</p>
<p>"It hurt me because he said it was enough for him, to love me and not have me," She says and it's like she's in a trance. "And it <em>hurts</em> because I've waited so long to hear those words and now I wish I couldn't not hear them…"</p>
<p>Thomas is silent for a moment, digesting what she'd just told him and thinking back to their earlier conversation.</p>
<p>"He's just someone you can't cut out of you…" He says quietly as Donna turns to him, eyes wide, full of sadness and realisation. "Do you <em>really </em>want to?"</p>
<p>"Donna?" She can hear him ask, but he just fades into the background and she can no longer hear anything but her mind and her beating heart.</p>
<p>When she'd told Thomas that she didn't know who Harvey was to her, that she <em>had </em>wanted to cut him out of her so many times, Donna knows she was lying to him and to herself. Because now, she's being presented an opportunity for a clean break with a man she <em>could </em>love, but all she can think about is the man she knows she always will.</p>
<p>"Do you love him?" He continues quietly but it's so loud at the same time and it throws her back to all those years ago, when a different man was asking her the very same question, "Do you love Harvey Specter?"</p>
<p>But unlike all those years ago, the 'yes' escapes her lips like a breath she's no longer able to contain. And that's when Thomas really knows they're over before they ever had a chance to truly begin. He doesn't try to fight her on it, try to make her see that love doesn't necessarily have to be doors open and closed in her face, that it can be easy sometimes. Easy with him.</p>
<p>Instead, he quietly and calmly collects his things, and for the second time that evening, Donna feels a kiss pressed to her hair and someone telling her that he's leaving. But this time, it brings her peace.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>When Donna leaves her own apartment, she's angry and ready to tear down walls and set fire to just about anything. But as soon as he opens his door, the anger leaves her body and is replaced by sadness, nervousness as she steps into his apartment.</p>
<p>"How many times are you going to tell me you love me and then walk away?"</p>
<p>Harvey slowly turns around at her question, staring at her pleading gaze. He could've easily not have opened the door, her being the only person who would seek him out at this hour, or he could've shut the door on her and not let her in. Because he meant it and he'll mean it now, he <em>will</em> let her go.</p>
<p>"That was the last time, I promise…"</p>
<p>They stand there in silence, taking each other in until Donna lets out a choked mix of a sob and laugh. And then she's full on laughing because she knows he thinks it's true, but they've been trapped in this cycle of loving and leaving each other for so long, she knows that neither of them really know how to get out it. Through exes and flings and everyone in-between, they physically can't cut ties with each other, no matter how much either of them thinks they want to.</p>
<p>"Do you really believe that Harvey?"</p>
<p>He doesn't, he knows it and so does she.</p>
<p>"I do." He pretends anyway.</p>
<p>"Thomas told me what you asked him to do…" Donna says, "Are you telling me you wouldn't do that again for me?"</p>
<p>"I'd do that for anyone…"</p>
<p>"Because I'm not special to you, Harvey?"</p>
<p>"You know what you mean to me…" Harvey growls, knowing full well he wouldn't sacrifice everything for anyone but her. "I told you I would never let anything happen to you. Ever. We don't have to be anything for you to not believe I won't always keep that promise."</p>
<p>"That's the problem Harvey!" Donna yells, arms thrown in the air. "Because of that, I can't move on…"</p>
<p>"I can talk to Thomas, straighten it out."</p>
<p>Harvey's about to tell her to stay, to make herself comfortable in his apartment while he goes to hers to sort things out with Thomas. He doesn't want to do it but he really would do anything for Donna. He's searching for his keys when he hears Donna's soft voice from the doorway.</p>
<p>"I broke up with Thomas."</p>
<p>It's when he hears the sound of his front door slamming shut, when he realises he'd been standing there, frozen for minutes, which for both felt like hours. He's running after her quicker than he's ever before, furiously pushing the elevator call button before deciding to take the stairs, several at a time.</p>
<p>When he gets down to the street, he can make out her form walking quickly towards the subway.</p>
<p>"Donna.." He yells, breaking into a run when she doesn't slow down.</p>
<p>Harvey curses the rain, falling ever so lightly, as he wipes it from his eyes. All he can focus on, for the second time that night, is getting to her.</p>
<p>"Donna.. I l-"</p>
<p>She's within an arms reach when she turns around, eyes flashes and he sees years of anger and pain in them.</p>
<p>"Don't tell me you love me Harvey…"</p>
<p>His chest deflates, ever so slightly as he tries to figure out how he can fix this, fix them.</p>
<p>"You're a coward." She hisses, the rain falling slightly harder now.</p>
<p>Harvey nods quietly, after years of having her by his side, he's never really been able to figure her out like she's been able to do for him. She's unpredictable in ways that he doesn't fear but ways he craves.</p>
<p>"You can't tell me that being in love with me is enough and not expect me to feeling something, to feel <em>everything…"</em></p>
<p>It's the first time that evening that Harvey looks at her with hope, hope that he isn't too late, that they can still have everything he once claimed they had.</p>
<p>"But I just don't understand Harvey, why <em>now?</em>"</p>
<p>Harvey knows it's not the same question, but his mind flies back to years ago, when she was stood before him asking '<em>how'</em> he loved her and now he doesn't have to think about it or hide behind excuses. He's finally ready to let it all out.</p>
<p>"Because I looked around in that courtroom and you weren't there, and it didn't occur to me that you always have been and I always want you there. Because I love you and I always have."</p>
<p>They continue to stare at each other, the only sound around them is the rain hitting the floor and the faint sounds of car horns in the background.</p>
<p>"Why did you walk away?" He asks softly.</p>
<p>"This isn't about me…" Donna stutters, swallowing a gulp as his piercing eyes meet hers.</p>
<p>"You're scared of this…"</p>
<p>Harvey takes a step towards her, faltering when he sees her take one back.</p>
<p>"Because it's finally real."</p>
<p>He watches her eyes close, the rise and fall of her chest as she tries to quell whatever it is within her that's building up. So Harvey moves forward again, praying she doesn't take another step back away from him, away from <em>them</em>. She doesn't. The rational part of his brain telling him it's because her eyes are shut but that doesn't explain why she doesn't flinch when his hand gently cups her face.</p>
<p>"I love you…" He says again, waiting for her next move because though he's finally ready to move forward, he won't assume she still is, especially after everything that's occurred that evening.</p>
<p>The only part of her that moves is her own hand, coming up to grasp his wrist and he knows that she still feels the same, before she even has to say it.</p>
<p>"I know." She's still not looking at him, her eyes still shut and an irrational voice inside her head telling her as soon as she opens her eyes, the moment will vanish and he'll walk away from her again.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to tell you, but I promise," Harvey pauses and he exhales a sigh of relief when he sees her eyes open, her head rising slightly to meet his gaze, "Everything's changed."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And then it can rejoin canon! Thanks so much for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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